The problem isn't time. Most men never learned to maintain friendships without a shared context like school or work holding it together. When that scaffolding disappears, so do the friendships.
vincnetas 16 hours ago [-]
any suggestions how to do that?
interloxia 14 hours ago [-]
Selfless effort. Be willing to ask for help with something, anything, even if you don't need it.
I can cut down a tree. But it's fun with friends.
I can do bad home renno but it's an in to keeping up with friends with a quick photo of the latest win/fail on signal /whatever floats your boat.
Because they're friends they might just say yes.
It's OK to ask them how they're going. Sometimes they will reply sometimes not and that's OK too.
dingaling 5 hours ago [-]
> It's OK to ask them how they're going
The point of enlightenment is when you realise they never ask you that.
jareklupinski 16 hours ago [-]
i try to keep tabs on restaurants opening around me, and if one has something interesting, i text pretty much every friend i have if they want to check it out with me
only a few respond each time, and only about half the time one or two can make it out, but over time eventually all of them do
nickthegreek 15 hours ago [-]
d&d, bowling league, discord.
puritanicdev 13 hours ago [-]
I went through something similar recently. I was usually the one organizing everything. meetups, beers, board game nights. At some point I realized that if I didn’t initiate, nothing really happened.
At first I didn’t think much of it, but over time it started to feel one-sided. What really made me stop and think was when they forgot my birthday. Not a huge deal by itself, but it made me notice the patern, that I was putting in way more than I was getting back.
So I slowly pulled back. stopped organizing, stopped trying to keep things going. No drama, just less involvement. And, honestly, I feel a lot better now. Less drained, less frustrated, more at ease overall.
Not sure what to think of it, from one standpoint I basically decided to cut connection with a group of people I was spending my time with for the last ~10 years, from another I decided to keep my energy and focus on myself. These days I mostly hang out with my fiancee and her friends, but in a much more low-key way.
I imagine this comment being satirical but, given the audience, also not.
arduanika 16 hours ago [-]
Sure: pay your monthly subscription fee, and it keeps being your friend.
hackyhacky 16 hours ago [-]
I don't have time for that. I'd rather pay the subscription fee so that the AI will be friends with other people on my behalf, thus freeing me up to grind, gym, and golf.
pavel_lishin 16 hours ago [-]
I thought the three Gs were gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss?
There’s actually already an app for that, and I’m not even joking.
edit: I was going to link a specific one I found a few weeks ago, but it turns out there are tons of them now, so I’ll just explain the idea. Most of these apps are basically reminder tools disguised as simple little games. A common example is a flower garden. Each “flower” represents a friend, and you keep the flower alive by staying in touch. That might mean sending a message or planning a hangout. If you don’t, the flower wilts, just like a real one would without care.
natpalmer1776 15 hours ago [-]
I love how you responded to today’s tech fatigue with “last week’s” tech fatigue slogan lol
“What you see at fight club is a generation of men raised by women.”
― Fight Club
le-mark 16 hours ago [-]
I think inadvertently found some insight on this. I’m typical and have failed to maintain friends over the years. As an old dad who’s spent a lot of time at kids parties talking to men; men just aren’t that pleasant to talk to. Best case is we’re opinionated, myopic, closed off. Worst case ignorant and obnoxious.
Rendello 15 hours ago [-]
There's an element of competitiveness, too. I worked in a hotel, mostly with women. My supervisor, a woman in her 60s, praised me and the other male workers, saying that the women were jealous, rivalrous, and always fighting amongst each other. "Men are easy!"
Meanwhile, I had no problem working with any of the women (although it's true, they were cruel among themselves), but when I had to interact with men in other departments, it felt like some macho standoff. It's like when you go to shake a guy's hand, and he pulls your arm and crushes your hand, but baked into every interaction.
andelink 15 hours ago [-]
I think I agree.
I am lucky not to have friendship struggles; I have a vibrant social circle with close male and female friends. I talk with my male friends more often, but the conversations are not very meaningful. For most of them, it is hard to break through and have talks that require vulnerability. I don't know why.
In contrast, my close female friends are great in this regard. They are open, empathetic, and kind. The conversations I have with them often leave me feeling a stronger connection. They are far more substantive.
And yes, some of my male friends are ignorant and hold (IMO) ugly opinions.
senectus1 4 hours ago [-]
I just gave up. its not worth it.
I have my wife, my kids and some people i work with. I dont care any more.
Lapsa 3 hours ago [-]
part of the problem is mind reading technologies
homeonthemtn 16 hours ago [-]
It's really hard to discuss this without making overly broad statements.
For my personal expense, I have found a lot of men view other men as competitors to be guarded against. You can't begin to work with the building blocks of trust and communication without getting past that first barrier. So we often just stop at the gate.
bluefirebrand 10 hours ago [-]
I never had any trouble keeping up with friendships, but I do have trouble making new friends
This has become a problem as I'm getting older and have lost friends over the years, but not replaced them
I think that's the core of it for many people. We lose or become distanced from friends over time for all sorts of reasons. People move, get married, have kids, or maybe you just grow apart. It happens. But if you don't replace those connections then you eventually wind up with none
diogenescynic 15 hours ago [-]
Since I've had kids and moved cities, I have basically zero friends. I have a two friends about 40 minutes away but we're all too busy with kids and work to meet up more than really once a year. Having young kids really changes your social life in a way I wasn't entirely prepared for. I have no time left for anything other than family and work.
andelink 15 hours ago [-]
You don't need to see them to maintain a friendship, no? One of my friends moved a couple hours away and has two kids under the age of four. We still talk regularly, both text and video calls. He comes back to the city a few times a year for work and we grab beers when he does.
We have a free Slack workspace where a few of us keep in touch and share things. It's pretty active.
b0rtb0rt 12 hours ago [-]
do you participate in activities with your kids? do your kids have friends? most of my friends now are other dads who i’ve met through school activities etc, and we take our kids to do things together or just hang out at each others houses while the kids play
giardini 8 hours ago [-]
paywall.
Rendered at 11:28:15 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time) with Vercel.
I can cut down a tree. But it's fun with friends.
I can do bad home renno but it's an in to keeping up with friends with a quick photo of the latest win/fail on signal /whatever floats your boat.
Because they're friends they might just say yes.
It's OK to ask them how they're going. Sometimes they will reply sometimes not and that's OK too.
The point of enlightenment is when you realise they never ask you that.
only a few respond each time, and only about half the time one or two can make it out, but over time eventually all of them do
At first I didn’t think much of it, but over time it started to feel one-sided. What really made me stop and think was when they forgot my birthday. Not a huge deal by itself, but it made me notice the patern, that I was putting in way more than I was getting back.
So I slowly pulled back. stopped organizing, stopped trying to keep things going. No drama, just less involvement. And, honestly, I feel a lot better now. Less drained, less frustrated, more at ease overall.
Not sure what to think of it, from one standpoint I basically decided to cut connection with a group of people I was spending my time with for the last ~10 years, from another I decided to keep my energy and focus on myself. These days I mostly hang out with my fiancee and her friends, but in a much more low-key way.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gaslight%2C%...
edit: I was going to link a specific one I found a few weeks ago, but it turns out there are tons of them now, so I’ll just explain the idea. Most of these apps are basically reminder tools disguised as simple little games. A common example is a flower garden. Each “flower” represents a friend, and you keep the flower alive by staying in touch. That might mean sending a message or planning a hangout. If you don’t, the flower wilts, just like a real one would without care.
---
“What you see at fight club is a generation of men raised by women.”
― Fight Club
Meanwhile, I had no problem working with any of the women (although it's true, they were cruel among themselves), but when I had to interact with men in other departments, it felt like some macho standoff. It's like when you go to shake a guy's hand, and he pulls your arm and crushes your hand, but baked into every interaction.
I am lucky not to have friendship struggles; I have a vibrant social circle with close male and female friends. I talk with my male friends more often, but the conversations are not very meaningful. For most of them, it is hard to break through and have talks that require vulnerability. I don't know why.
In contrast, my close female friends are great in this regard. They are open, empathetic, and kind. The conversations I have with them often leave me feeling a stronger connection. They are far more substantive.
And yes, some of my male friends are ignorant and hold (IMO) ugly opinions.
I have my wife, my kids and some people i work with. I dont care any more.
For my personal expense, I have found a lot of men view other men as competitors to be guarded against. You can't begin to work with the building blocks of trust and communication without getting past that first barrier. So we often just stop at the gate.
This has become a problem as I'm getting older and have lost friends over the years, but not replaced them
I think that's the core of it for many people. We lose or become distanced from friends over time for all sorts of reasons. People move, get married, have kids, or maybe you just grow apart. It happens. But if you don't replace those connections then you eventually wind up with none
We have a free Slack workspace where a few of us keep in touch and share things. It's pretty active.